24…
24 & I don’t want to keep this goin’ on anymore. Still feel like I have no one to talk to, that cares, that it matters. I will die still looking at a brick wall, I just know it…
I just want to talk over a drink laying in bed about everything that matters and doesn’t. About dreams and how they’ll happen…. Fuck.
I don’t even know what I need to do anymore.
since i was 18 one of the things that pushed me to keep going in life was the replay of words over in my head of the people telling me I couldn’t do this and that. “you can never be alone, amanda.” “you will grow up to be like your mom” “you can never have kids” “you won’t graduate” ….”you won’t succeed.”
people think I’m joking when i tell them people used to say these things to me. they don’t get it. yea i look and act like a sparkly cupcake on the outside, but i was emo before it hit main stream. as a teen, i sat in my bedroom listening to music, drawing or staring out the window in the dark because i wasn’t allowed to have the light on in my room. no joke.
i proved them wrong and i like to keep doing so. one thing i never accepted was peolpe telling me i am or am going to be a failure. or telling me no, and doubting me. i’m the only person who can be pessimistic about my future and my life. fuck you all. i sure experimented with drugs and drinking and got bored real fast. i did awful teenage like things, but i completed my education, i got a job and i moved up real fast. i have a daughter and i’m a darn good mommy to her and she’s one tough and smart cookie. and shes very well taken care of. i know how to take care of myself and i married someone who loves me deeply.
i am probably better off than anyone that ever said those mean messed up things to me.
does that mean i am perfect? i’m far from it. i still occasionally get depressed, i deal with emotions and anger. i stress. i am not proud of the way that i get sometimes. but when i look at life from an outside view, i’ve gone from wanting to take myself out of the world and once coming close to it, to never once thinking about offing myself again. and for that, i think i’m pretty awesome.
